Why Do I Smell Smoke?

An old girlfriend of mine once told me that had I lived during the Reformation I would have been burned at the stake.

On the bright side, I do prefer to be hot rather than cold.

At the time I thought she said it because of my theological outlook. Over the last twenty years, though, I've come to think that she meant something much more intrinsic.

This all comes on the heels of a day where I was perhaps too zealous in my approach. Though in some cases, I knew what I was doing and wanted to provoke the moment so we could have a conversation. I did that because, despite claims to the contrary, we don't actually talk about necessary things.

What happened was a typical conversation which included altered histories, insecurities masked beneath authority, and a general expression of victimhood.

Perhaps the most disappointing part of a disappointing day is the realization that, for the most part, I work with and for children. Public tantrums are permitted under the guise of compassion, all constructive criticism is taken as condemnation, and an absence of any plan or direction is considered freeing. In almost every way it's the opposite of how I want to be. And just to add to these joys, it's been explained to me that all change only comes from the top down, but there's currently no need for change because we. are. perfect.

The hardest part of all is knowing I'm complicit in this too. I add to the crazy, but with the best of intentions. Which is just like them. They only have good intentions. They may not see the whole board the way I do, but they're still well-intentioned. Besides, none of them are smart or talented enough to be Machiavellian.

Still, I'm not always easiest person to work with. I expect an awful lot. Mostly, I expect people to bring their brains and use them, actively find ways to be better today then yesterday, and be open to the new. That list sounds benign, but it's not. It's about change and power and effort. Dangerous things that, if you're the one being read the list, can leave anyone feeling judged ineffectual and wanting.

I guess it all comes down to this: I'm clearly worshiping in the wrong church and I'd better get out before they lash me to the stake and toss the torches.